Ennui

This past weekend I attended my fraternity's LEAD school. Usually I skip most of the sessions, as they are geared toward collegiate students. I just register and attend so I (a) set a good example for my kids and (b) can spend some quality time with alums I don't get to see very often. This year, there were actually a few sessions that interested me. Two were being presented by Adam Carroll, who I knew from previous experience would be an interesting speaker. His first workshop on creating effective presentations didn't disappoint. But as I was about to head off to his second workshop of the day, which was entitled "From Vision to Reality", it suddenly hit me that I don't have a vision; I feel like I've been meandering through life lately. I ended up skipping the session, thinking to myself that it wouldn't be too useful if I don't even have a vision I want to make real.

My lack of vision has been bugging me since Saturday. I keep finding myself thinking about it when I have downtime. I have come to a few realizations so far:

1. I'm happy and satisfied with my personal relationships including my husband, family and friends. So at least that can be excluded as a source of my current state.

2. I think the source of my feeling traces back to when I worked for Big Bad, specifically the really bad performance review he gave me around this time last year. I've spent the year since telling myself that his opinion didn't matter and I should let it all just roll off my back. But when I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that it has had a lingering effect. As much as I've tried to leave it in the past, I haven't been able to. It really stung to hear that I'm a crap prosecutor who shouldn't abandon the field altogether yet, but that I was teetering on the verge. It stung even more that the two other supervisors present, who also had the right to participate in that review, didn't say a word in my defense and just advised me to "let it blow over". When the people who are supposed to mentor you don't believe in you and make it widely known, it's hard to believe in yourself. When all people expect from you is crap, it becomes easy to fall into complacency and only perform to that low standard.

But despite all this I don't hate what I do. I just have not-so-great feelings about some of my co-workers and management. I feel like I need a fresh start. The seemingly easy answer would be to just change jobs, but we all know that's easier said than done. First off, the economy sucks and there are a glut of lawyers who went to better schools and have better credentials than I do flooding the market. Even when/if the economy improves, pedigree is still very important in law hiring and I just don't have it. Secondly, even switching to another county would be very difficult at this point with the amount of seniority I have. Plus, from what I hear, pretty much every DA's office has as much trouble with gossip, back stabbing and general wackiness that my current one does. Three, again, the economy sucks. What kind of spoiled bitch am I to complain about my job when so many people are in dire financial straits?

When I keep thinking about how to get out, all it leads to are the reasons to stay in. And I'd need to stay in at least another 29 years to maximize my pension benefits. FML. Need to win lotto (which is not a realistic vision) stat.

3. Somehow my attitude and feelings related to my job have seeped into my approach to outside activities. Feeling mediocre from 8:30 to 5 for so long has made me feel mediocre at things like ice skating, blogging, working out, cooking, housekeeping, decorating, etc. I feel like I can't excel at anything, so instead I'm just doing the bare minimum to get by. My motto lately seems to be "Why bother?". Please spare me the postive mental attitude stuff; I've tried but I feel like I'm just kidding myself.

So this is me, being emo. I don't have a lot of answers yet, but identifying the issues is the start of solving them, right?