Monday, December 31, 2012

Peace Out 2012!


2011 started out high and finished very, very low.
I stayed in that low for most of 2012. I mean, I tried to maintain as much normalcy as I could in terms of work and activities, but I was really just going through the motions. As much as I tried, however, my heart was broken and heavy. My motto was "fake it until you make it."
So I faked it as best I could. I went to skating events, stifling the urge to cry at every sad song someone used for their performance. I went out with friends, using my time alone in the car to ponder Deep Dark Thoughts. I went to work, keeping my office door shut as much as I could so I wouldn't have to deal with people. I played with my daughter, always thinking in the back of my mind that my dad should have been able to enjoy more time with her. I look back at the early part of the year and it all seems like a foggy blur.
It wasn't until fall that the fog started to lift. On a trip to Seattle, sitting by myself on a bench looking out over the waterfront, doing nothing except taking in the beauty of the trees and the water, I felt a sense of peace I hadn't felt in quite some time. I don't know why or how that happened, but I don't need to question it. I'm just grateful that I finally started to feel more like myself. The fake me was barely keeping things together and would dissolve into tears or anger if anything didn't go the way it should have. The real me is much more even-keeled and I prefer it that way.
There are still things that weigh heavily on my mind. My mom's condition continues to deteriorate. My relationship with my brother feels forced and strained. My relationship with my sister-in-law is non-existent. But several weeks ago I realized and accepted that as much as all these things suck, it is okay for me to stop trying to fix things. I'm not going to find a cure for my mom. I guess in theory I could work towards repairing the relationship with my sibling and his spouse, but I don't think the onus should be on me to make that happen. It may sound selfish, but I think my energy would be better expended on things that I know make me happy: my family, my friends, my hobbies, etc. See? It does sound selfish - so much use of "me" and "my." Yet I don't think there's anything wrong with that in this context. I'm not seeking happiness through hurting anyone else. When it comes down to it, I'm a better wife, mom, and friend when I'm happy.
At the end of 2011, I was fearful, anxious, and uncertain of what 2012 would bring. Now at the end of 2012, I welcome 2013 and am hopeful that there will be better days ahead.

Friday, November 2, 2012

A Year in Constant Motion

Today marks a year since my dad went into the hospital. It feels like things have been non-stop ever since -- the type of busy where you know you are doing a lot of things, yet feel like you've accomplished nothing.

So what have I been up to the past year?

We celebrated our first Christmas as a family of three.

J turned a year old and celebrated by chowing down on naan, amongst other goodies.

I met my ice skating idol, the Kween herself, as she was inducted into the U.S. Figure Skating Hall of Fame at the 2012 Nationals.

I've been heading up to SF one weekend a month to check in on my mom. I've also been handling all of her affairs, which was overwhelming at the start since I needed to get established on all the accounts and figure everything out.

I got swamped with work. Then I got transferred to a new office location, in a region of the county I've never worked in. The transfer worked out to be a really good thing, and for a while gave me a lighter caseload, but now I'm back to being swamped.

We renewed our season tickets at the Pantages and saw some really great shows, including Book of Mormon.

I had a super fun weekend getaway with some of my favorite girls.

I had a rejuvenating solo getaway to Seattle/Kent for 2012 Skate America.

We've been househunting.

See what I mean? It doesn't seem like a whole lot of stuff, but I swear to you I seem to constantly have a lengthy to-do list that never gets completed. I know a lot of time is devoted to spending time with J, which I enjoy and have no regrets about, but seriously -- where does all the time go?!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Giving This Another Go

NaBloPoMo November 2012

Bear with me as I try to decipher all the changes to Blogger since the last time I posted.