Giving This Another Go

Bear with me as I try to decipher all the changes to Blogger since the last time I posted.

It Was the Best of Times, It Was the Worst of Times ...

Cliche, yet so very true.

The year started out great, with the birth of our sweet, adorable, goofy baby girl. I relished my time away from the office on maternity leave. What could be better than a steady schedule of baby snuggles, bad tv, shopping, and never having to set the alarm? I spent a lot of time with family and friends I usually don't get to see too often. My husband found a job quickly once he started looking -- a job that is vastly different (for the better) in terms of quality of life. We took a fabulous vacation to Maui and saw two of our good friends get married. I returned to work a found a new, comfortable groove in my assignment -- something I hadn't felt in the office for quite some time. Things were really, really good and I was really, really happy. Sure there were challenges and annoyances along the way, but the good far outweighed the bad. There were days I'd be in my office during lunch, catch a glimpse of a family photo or read a funny message from a friend, and think to myself "I am so blessed."

Then everything with my dad happened and my world fell apart. While I still can find joy, humor, and goodness in various things, there is still a deep sadness that permeates each day. No matter how enjoyable a particular day might be, at the end of it, in those moments right before you drift off to sleep, all my thoughts come back to the following: dad is gone, mom is losing her mind, and my relationship with my brother is (probably) permanently damaged.

When I look back on 2011, I don't know how to label it. Obviously the latter part of the year sucked big time, but the year also brought me some of the most magical moments I've ever experienced. So whatever 2011 was, I'm just relieved that it is over. And whatever 2012 will be, I just hope it isn't as much of a roller coaster ride.

Wishing all of you a happy and prosperous New Year!

Six Weeks

It's been just around six weeks since my dad died.

People have told me that I'll find "a new normal," but for now it just all still seems surreal.

There's a lot I want to document about everything that happened, but I can't. Not yet.

I don't cry every day anymore, but I've reached the point where something out of the blue, or the little things, will upset me and make me sad. Stuff like passing by the merlot section in BevMo. It's never been my favorite varietal, but it was my dad's favorite, so I'd always buy him a nice bottle for the holidays that we'd end up sharing. Tonight I wrote out all the cards for my parents' grandkids, grand-nieces & grand-nephews on behalf of my mom. Then I realized that with my mom's condition (dementia) and my dad's passing, there'd be no more cards for me from my parents on special occasions. And I still can't bear to read a newspaper when I'm up in San Francisco, because my dad and I would always swap sections.

I have no idea how to get through this Christmas weekend.

You can have a plan ...

... but then life decides to throw up a roadblock instead.

In other words, my efforts at NaBloPoMo '11 are pretty much done today, Day 2.

At 9am this morning I was laughing & joking with court staff.

At 10am I got a message that my dad had taken a nasty fall, but appeared to be alright apart from a lot of blood.

At 11am I got a phone call that my dad was actually going to be facing an emergency craniotomy for a large subdural hematoma.

Cue sobbing & a massive freakout.

I never expected to spend my lunch talking to a neurosurgeon.

I don't have a laptop or iPad, so blogging will have to fall to the wayside since I've obviously got some business to handle.

If there was anything good to be said about today, it was the overwhelming amount of good thoughts and support I received from my friends --- old, new, near, far & some that I have never even met in person yet. Your messages really do mean a lot.

At 10pm, the adrenaline that has kept me going all day is gone & I am wiped out. But I've still got about 500 things to do before I can attempt sleep.

It's NaBloPoMo!

What better time to start blogging again, especially if you've been a slacker like me, right?

But of course it *has* to start on a Tuesday, the busiest day of my week. So for today, this is all you get.

Lame, I know. So leave me a comment and flame away!

The End is Near

Not the end of days, but the end of my awesome maternity leave, which sort of feels the same to me. :(

Remember that Leave List I drafted back in March? I've completed exactly 1-1/2 things on that list. I had super fun purple-ish streaks in my hair and I've gotten through most of that magazine pile. While I didn't spend any time on those other things on the list, I did spend a lot of time having fun. Sure there were days filled with dirty diapers and naptime tantrums, but there were far more days filled with hanging out with friends, visiting family, shopping, food truck chasing, cooking new recipes, watching tv & cuddling a sweet, happy baby. And there wasn't a single day I had to set the alarm clock for myself. No regrets man.

I'm now staring down approximately the last three weeks of my leave, trying to maximize my fun before I'm shackled to The Man again. I already covered up my purple hair with a dress code friendly shade of brown. *sigh* So here is my updated leave list:

- Spend a day at Laguna Beach
- Have brunch with friend(s)
- Go on our 1st real vacation in over a year
- Read "A Suitable Boy" (not your traditional beach read, but whatevs)
- Finish all those magazines
- Stop checking my work e-mail
- Make beef bourguigon (even though it's 5 million degrees outside)

I've left myself some wiggle room to go wherever the day may take me. :-)

I will miss you maternity leave, but let's stick our head in the sand about your imminent demise and make every day count in the meantime!

Operation Wedding Weight

In January 2012, I will celebrate my 5th wedding anniversary. Since that day back in 2007, I have gained 50 pounds.

Say it with me ..... HOLY SHIT!!!!!

When I got married, I was 10 pounds above what would be the upper limit of a normal BMI for my height, but I thought I still looked pretty good. BMI doesn't account for big boobs.

(blurry pic of a pic but you get the idea)

These days however, I pretty much hate every photo of myself, as well as my reflection in the mirror.

How does one gain 50 pounds in almost 5 years? Well there was happy post-marriage weight, followed by stress-eating-due-to-a-sucky-boss-weight, followed by pregnancy weight, with a HUGE dose of laziness thrown in. Yeah, I can't believe I let me do this to myself either.

So tomorrow morning I commence Operation Wedding Weight. The goal is to get as close as I can to my wedding weight by my wedding anniversary. That's 50 pounds in 31 weeks, which breaks down to a target loss of 1.6 pounds per week. Not too unreasonable, right?

The plan is as follows:
- 3 low carb meals and 2 snacks per day (aiming for no more than 1600 calories/day)
- limit of one 5oz. glass of wine per night, if at all
- skating 2x per week
- pilates 2x per week
- cardio 4x per week, for at least 40 minutes
- a daily 2-3 mile walk with the kid for the rest of maternity leave

I could totally say that this is all in the interest of health now that I'm 35, that diabetes runs in the family and gestational diabetes upped my chances even more of developing Type 2, that I want to model healthy eating for my child, blah blah blah, but in all honesty I'm just a really vain bitch who wants to feel pretty and shop easily again.

If I put it out on the interwebz I have to do it right?